Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind.

College. The future. Family. Thanksgiving break. My vocation. Desires. Crosses and sacrifices. The path I am to take next. My job. Music. Snow. Tattoos. Christmas. Food. Friends. Coffee. My best friend. Life.

Oh, how quickly life changes. One minute you're off to college to become an army nurse... the next, you're an undeclared major with exercise-induced asthma and facing the possibility that the military won't have you. One moment life makes sense, you have it all mapped out and you're finally peaceful... and in the next moment, you're completely and utterly lost, and you don't know how to take the next step forward. How does that even happen?

I find lately that I just want to drop everything and start a new life somewhere else. Maybe a change in scenery would allow for me to discover something in me that I couldn't see before, some talent that God intended me to use for the rest of my life. Italy sounds nice.

But then, someone once told me that God put us where we are for a reason... Would it be prudent to pick up and leave the place He set me? You gotta branch out eventually, right? The world is there to be explored, to be touched by the Light shining in us.

The light is dim in me. I don't know if that's because I've let other things take precedence in my life, or because I'm just not on the right path yet, there's no peace, and I can't see God.

But I'm not sitting still. I'm still reaching for Him. I can't rest until I rest in Him. And while He's far away, I won't stop 'til I find His arms again. But maybe I shouldn't be trying to find Him. Maybe I should just let Him come to me. But He's already here. So why do I search? Why am I not peaceful?

My brain hurts.

All I know, is that where I am right now in my life, doesn't feel right. Things aren't meshing together. I spend more days uneasy, distant, crying, than happy and full of life. It shouldn't be that way.

I'll figure it out eventually....

I want that tattoo... La Vita è Bella. Those words saved me for a long time.  No matter how restless I get in this life, no matter how drowned in darkness I can get at one time, that realization that life is beautiful, pulls me through every time. I'm gonna get it as a tattoo.

I love music. I take it for granted too often. I watched a movie last night, and in one scene, the main character heard music for the first time in his life, and he broke down and cried. I feel like that when I hear particular pieces that touch my soul. Like the theme song from the movie The Grey. It makes me want to cry, yet at the same time it touches me so deep no tears will come. What a paradox. I love it. The idea that a combination of mere sounds can impact us like that. Music is awesome.

My mind is going at a million miles per hour, probably because I'm drinking a monster and trying to sit still at the same time. I'm exhausted at the thought of trying to put everything in my brain into words, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Goodnight, world!