Time to Be Real

As I'm sitting here on my lunch break, I get a notification on my phone saying, "You have memories with (so and so) to look back on today". I love looking at posts I've made or that other's have put on my wall on this day however many years ago. I'm a very nostalgic person, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like I dwell on the past a bit too much.


I realized, though, while scrolling through memories and recalling the events in my life from those times so long ago, how completely different I am today. Seeing what I was passionate about 4 or 5 years ago compared to now, seeing what I posted about (God mostly), what I talked about with my friends, how I spent my time (Mass, Adoration, retreats), and generally put, who I was then compared to now, is VASTLY different, and not in a good way. I know I'm usually very hard on myself but I think I'm being fair to say that I am a fraction of the person I used to be. Some of that is growing up, having responsibilities and commitments and jobs that take up nearly all of your time, but there's no excuse for the rest of it.


Somewhere along the line I lost myself... And I'm pretty sure anyone who knew/knows me has noticed. I think a lot of different things contributed, but now I see that SIN crept in and made a home in my heart.


I slowly became an asshole. Things I used to feel so deeply for I became numb to, people I used to be inseparable with I got sick of and deleted out of my life. I became insensitive, apathetic, and full of anger and resentment. Prior to this I used to be very involved with my youth group, with retreats, I went to adoration a few times a week and hit up daily Mass frequently. I used to be known as the girl who loved EVERYONE. It used to be impossible for me to hold a grudge on anyone. It used to be incomprehensible to me that anyone could judge another person.


This parasitic mentality that sin brought me ate its way into my faith life, and I started to resent many things and many people. I eventually quit going to Mass- why be there when all I can think about is how stupid everything and everyone is? Why receive the sacraments if I'm going to commit the same sins day in and day out? Why be in a room full of fake people pretending to worship while chewing their gum and thinking about what they're going to do after this miserable hour is up. I couldn't stand it and I ran from everything. Everyone noticed. Some people unfriended me from social media, some people confronted me and asked why I'm being such a d-bag, some people just acted like I don't exist. I didn't care, after all I was blocking them out too. I ignored the fact that I drove away good people who used to be inspired by me.


Today I realized that what I really did is run from God. Truthfully, I sprinted, and I haven't stopped. Periodically, God would knock on the door of my heart and remind me that He is there, that He hasn't left, and is wondering when I'll open the door back up. I know full well He isn't giving up. God never stops pursuing us. Periodically I will care again. I will wake up one day and absolutely hate who I've become so much that all I want to do is run back into the arms of Jesus. But I've locked the door and hidden the key and I have to figure out where I've put it. I've buried the key under years of sin, selfishness, anger, resentment, judgment, jealousy, self-loathing, impurity and God knows what else. I have to sift through all that filth to find this key. Even thinking of what all I have to do is daunting. It's easier to crawl back into my hole, which truthfully is what I usually do.


It's easier to give up than it is to fight for virtue. God knows this too but He's God and He doesn't give up either. To be honest, readers, I am very lost. It's hard for me to admit that to all of you but there it is. I've made so, so many mistakes that have compromised my morals, my heart and my soul. I make half-assed attempts to come back to God but I don't do what it takes, I don't make the sacrifices necessary for it to sink in, and I know I don't try hard enough.


I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm done with not caring. God loves me way too much for me to not care and to float through life, day in and day out. I'm done with driving away good people because of my insensitivity. I'm done with judging church-goers. I'm done with ignoring God...


I know I can't reverse all of this in one day. But I know God is not going to stop pursuing me... and that gives me hope. I won't give up anymore. Life is too beautiful and too important for me to lose myself and forget my purpose.


I want to apologize to anyone reading this who has been hurt by anything I've done or said (or not done or said). Please know that I will try harder than ever before to be better for you. I want to inspire you to be the best you can be. I want to lead you to Christ and to a deeper purpose for this life. I want you to come to Heaven with me. I want my posts on social media to challenge you and encourage you to do everything you can to make this world a better place. I want to cherish your heart and act like it, because whether or not you and I are very close, I want to make a positive impact in your life. I want to love you better and be everything I can be for you. You are important to me, your soul is priceless, and I'm done with not caring about it.


Please pray for me, and know that I am praying for you.


God bless you. I hope you have a beautiful day <3

You Are Worth It

Sometimes it's hard to believe... but everything happens for a reason.

I often forget my worth. I think everyone does this to an extent. Though we live in a self-centered, egotistical world, most people truly don't recognize and understand the impact they have on others and the world. 
I know I don't.
My inspiration for writing this post is fueled by my bewilderment.
All of my life, I have had a very sub-par view of myself. I've never thought much of the person I am, always focusing on my flaws and what is wrong with me. It's a very damaging aspect of my life. My self esteem has surely had its highs and lows, mostly lows, but God has never stopped trying to make me realize how amazing I am.
That is why I'm bewildered.
On a daily basis, when I look in the mirror, I see a young woman with scars inside and out who either tries too hard or not hard enough, who has had a misinformed sense of love all her life and who has sought acceptance in all the wrong places. I see flaws, missing pieces, sins and vices and things I need to change. I see mediocrity and traces of corruption everywhere in me. I am never content with myself.
The main part that I want you, my reader, to take from how I see myself is this: I see myself as average. Nothing special.
It might not sound harmful. Sure, it's good to be humble. But upon thinking deeply about it, I have realized it's dangerous for me to think of myself this way, for many reasons, but the main reason is that if I see myself as average, common, or mediocre, then I leave no room to see and believe that I am a gift, a precious gift with talents and graces beyond my own comprehension. I leave no room to see that God lives and works in me and that is why I am amazing.
It's so harmful that, though I can say, "yes, I am special, I am a child of God, I am amazing..." blah blah blah... I don't mean it. Same goes when people try to tell me. People have tried to tell me all day long what a blessing I am.
But I can't believe it if I think I'm just average.
This doesn't mean to have an inflated self esteem. But in order to thrive and become the person God intends for you to be, amazing and full of life and brimming with love, you have to know your worth.
And that's a hard thing to do. It's going to take all my life to know what I'm worth.
But that's where God comes in...so perfectly as always...
I don't know how, or why, but God sees it fit to put the most incredible people into my life. Incredible is an understatement. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but it astounds me the number of people that I have met and shared who I am with in a short amount of time that have come to me and told me that I am something so special, so extraordinary and different than anyone they've ever met, that I've changed their life simply by being in it, that my smile lights up their world...
It would melt my heart to hear that from one single person... but no. God has told me, through so many people that I have met, that I am amazing. And I just don't get it.
For a long time, when I would think about what those people have said that they see in me, I thought they were talking about someone else. It didn't sound like me at all. That or I was an undercover super hero... so undercover that I didn't even know about it...
I now realize that when people tell me that I am something special, it's not because I'm doing something BETTER than anyone else. It means that I have struggled, and fought, and fallen, and sinned and left myself in the dirt countless times, but that I have allowed God to pick me back up. And I have allowed Him to work in me, to shine through me, and to make His home in me.
Why would God want to shine through... me? Of all the beautiful people in this world to spread His message, why would He choose me, when I trip and fall every step I take?
It is when I am weak that I am strong.
I am NOWHERE near where I need to be in my life, spiritually, financially, emotionally... I'm under construction. Bigtime. But I'm coming to realize more and more through the breathtaking people God has placed in my life that I AM WORTH IT. I am worth it because I'm not perfect. When people look at me they see something amazing... Why? Because it's God. He has infused Himself into every part of my being. When I accept who I am and simply be me... God is shining through. When I stumble and fall and beat myself down in the dirt, He picks me back up and brushes the dirt off and puts me in someone's life that needs me.
And that proves to me that I am worth it. I am needed. I am loved. I am special. I am amazing.

...............

And so are YOU.
I know I'm not alone in that it's very easy to forget that you're worth it. You always see someone who has something you don't, who has it together that much more than you, who sees something beautiful in life that you don't.
But listen to me: Your life is a testimony. Your every breath is a fight to conquer evil, sin, normality, mediocrity. It's time to see that you are amazing. You are a miracle and a gift, to God and to everyone who has met you. You are capable of ANYTHING if you are united with the Heart of Christ.
You woke up this morning. That's God saying, "I have something for you to do today." or "I have someone who needs to hear something you're going to say." or "Breathe. It's time to know your worth in Me."
Let yourself shine with the light of Christ. He can't shine through you if you don't let Him.

Be amazing. Be you.

God bless :)

The Paradox

"I have found the paradox- that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa 

The greatest thing you can do on this earth is to love. I realize that most of my posts are about love... but Mother Teresa lived by the philosophy that the action of loving another person is the most powerful weapon against sin.
That being said, however, do not mistake love with lust.
Lust is self-centered and self-gratifying. Lusting after someone means that you have in mind to satiate your own bodily desires, not the other person's. 
Love, on the other hand, serves not itself, but the other person. To love is to go outside of yourself to see another person, to serve them, to help them. 
TO LOVE IS TO SACRIFICE. Love is what makes us like Christ, among other things, of course. Think about it- on the road to the Cross and during His crucifixion, Jesus displayed the depth of His love. He collapsed three times from complete bodily exhaustion, but His will and His Sacred Heart, burning with love for us, compelled Him to get up off the ground and keep going. He endured the pain of not only being stabbed with nails and hung from a cross for the sins of every person to ever live on the Earth, but had to see some of those people on that road to His death spitting on Him, insulting Him, tormenting Him. Those people that Christ loves with all His heart were right there, smacking Him across the face and shoving Him away. But He didn't stop...

It was Christ's Love, not the nails, that held Him to the Cross. 

If you have a hard time loving others or loving God like I do frequently, reflect on what I just said. If Christ can overcome His fears, sadness, and physical and mental exhaustion because of the burning Love for us in His heart, then I can choose to cast aside selfishness and laziness to love and serve those in my life and the King of my heart in Heaven.

Lately I have had moments where I am overcome with fear from the future I have in the Army. Everything from being pushed to physical exhaustion from training to potentially being put in middle of the war later on, it's truly a hard road ahead.The devil really knows how to use my weaknesses against me. 
But that's when I need to remind myself that Christ, in all of His humanity, was able to do His job... so I can do mine, too, with His help. 

It doesn't get any easier, but you get stronger. 

Love makes the impossible possible. Love drives you to live not only for yourself, but for that stranger who needs help with her groceries, that homeless man that needs a little help getting through, that young woman who is about to abort her baby, or that old man in the nursing home that gets lonely and sad a little too often. 
Love will cause you to accept that things may not be going your way right now, and you may wish that everything would be easier for you, but remember that Christ didn't get His way when He was condemned to die, and things certainly weren't easy for Him there at the end.

Love makes the day go by a little smoother. Rather than wishing for things to be different, embrace that God woke you up this morning with another day to live, another chance to touch someone's heart and bring happiness to their life, and let every breath you take be a prayer to the God who loves you. 

When everything seems like it's falling apart, that's when God is putting it together exactly how He wants.

Have faith, friends. And remember to smile. God bless :)

A Little Bit Of Nerves And A Lot Of Trust

I'd like to say I have it all figured out. 
I'd like to confidently say that I know where my life is going. 
I'd like to sit here and tell you that I know what I'm doing with my life. 


But I don't. 


I've never been in total control of my life. Even now, as an "emancipated adult" with the right to vote or to buy a lottery ticket or a pack of cigs or move out of the country if I wanted, I'm realizing more and more that I'm really not free, in control and able to do whatever I want. My choices have consequences, and the part of me that longs to be spontaneous, free, and wild, unfortunately must be kept in the back of my mind. 


I wanted college to work out. I wanted to go to an amazing, expensive, Catholic college and be a nurse for the United States Army, immersing myself in God's love, learning more and more about Him while pushing myself beyond my limits physically and mentally to better myself and the world. I wanted that to happen. And  you better believe I tried to make that happen. Four months later, I'm sitting here at home... thousands of dollars in debt from one single semester, no more college or Army nursing, and no more Franciscan. I went there with my whole future ahead of me, thinking I could do whatever I wanted, and anything was in my grasp. Classes got the best of me, I made some poor choices, I fell away from God even though He was more present than He's ever been before, I let myself be taken advantage of... and I lost part of what makes me...me.


I left school for many reasons. Part of the reason I left, was that I needed to find myself again, and maybe paying $30,000 a year wasn't the best way to do that. So what am I gonna do now? I'm gonna do what has been on my mind since I was a little girl: U.S. Army
I learned a lot of things at Franciscan. In the ROTC program, I learned that I can do more than I ever thought possible. It hurt like hell to push myself so hard, but to feel that fire in my soul, to feel my muscles ache as I push myself closer to my goals, felt good. And it made me a better person. 


I'm not gonna say I'm not scared. I'm not gonna say I don't doubt myself. I'm not gonna say I'm confident that Basic Training won't be that bad. And I'm not gonna say that the aspect of deployment doesn't make my stomach twist. 


But there's something that underlies all of this. There's a passion in me for this. To me, this parallels Christ's struggles. I'm not doing this just for me. I'm doing this to make something of the life God gave me, to bring glory to His name, to serve this beautiful country in which God put me, to make my family proud, and to be a witness. Yes. I'm scared, just as Jesus was in the garden, knowing what lies before me: a long road of pain and exhaustion and heartache. Yeah, the thought of going through a gas chamber or carrying a 50lb ruck sack on my back for 8 or 10 miles in the heat makes my nerves freak out just a little... but if I can push myself to exhaustion to save someone someday, IT'S WORTH IT. And I'd do it any day. 


Basically, life is what you make it. And there are a lot of roads that lead to our Destination. Franciscan didn't end up being the right turn for me right now in life, but everything happens for a reason. I met the amazing people I did for a reason, to bring something into their lives, and for them to bring something into mine. I'm thankful. I made some great friendships, learned a whole lot about myself, and ended up touching a few lives too. :)
At the end of the day, I live for God. No matter how many times I fall, He picks me up. And I'm gonna return the favor by making something of my life. 

I trust Him.

Once More Into The Fray...

     As most of my readers know already, and as I mentioned in my last post, I recently watched a movie that touched me deeper than I could ever communicate to anyone. The movie is called The Grey. It's about a man who has given up on life, who has come to the end of his rope, and wants to end it all... but somehow finds it in himself to keep going. He not only keeps going, but helps 6 others to keep going as well. Most people who have seen the movie find it very depressing and dissatisfying, because the main character seems to live for no reason at all, but I found it to be the most moving, heart-throbbing, captivating movie I've ever seen.
    There's a short poem in this movie that particularly touched my heart. Though the main character in this movie is an atheist, and his father, who wrote this short poem, was an alcoholic, I find this poem to be extremely Christian:

Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die on this day...
Live and die on this day...

     I've meditated on this piece quite a bit, and I keep finding new, deeper meanings to it. It's so beautiful. And actually, it's incredibly in line with the title and purpose of my blog. As a devoted follower of Christ, I find life, though it is beautiful and wondrous, to be exhausting and trying. To follow the path of salvation through the corruption in which the world has been consumed is the most difficult thing on this earth. 
     Each day I wake up and face the day. Some days are better than others. Each day I find myself saying, "Once more into the fray..." because life IS a constant fight; it's a continuous struggle to push through the mob of sin, of despair, of corruption that tries to envelope us every moment of the day. We are to live in the present, not to dwell on the past or anticipate the future... so each day that I look sin in the face is the last good fight I will ever know, the last push to hold on to God's hand. And each day, there is life and death. Not just in the world, but in me, in you, and in Jesus Christ. The title of my blog is, "He lived to die, so I die to live". Do you see the correlation? When you wake up in the morning, your heart beats for a purpose. God gave you a mission. You are to live. You are to thrive. But you are also to die... to die to your former self, to your sinful tendencies, to the original sin that grasps at your heels each second. A continuous fight. But a rewarding fight.

A seed can not grow unless it first dies. (John 12:24)

I hope this touched you as much as it did me. 

God bless!

Thoughts

I have a lot on my mind.

College. The future. Family. Thanksgiving break. My vocation. Desires. Crosses and sacrifices. The path I am to take next. My job. Music. Snow. Tattoos. Christmas. Food. Friends. Coffee. My best friend. Life.

Oh, how quickly life changes. One minute you're off to college to become an army nurse... the next, you're an undeclared major with exercise-induced asthma and facing the possibility that the military won't have you. One moment life makes sense, you have it all mapped out and you're finally peaceful... and in the next moment, you're completely and utterly lost, and you don't know how to take the next step forward. How does that even happen?

I find lately that I just want to drop everything and start a new life somewhere else. Maybe a change in scenery would allow for me to discover something in me that I couldn't see before, some talent that God intended me to use for the rest of my life. Italy sounds nice.

But then, someone once told me that God put us where we are for a reason... Would it be prudent to pick up and leave the place He set me? You gotta branch out eventually, right? The world is there to be explored, to be touched by the Light shining in us.

The light is dim in me. I don't know if that's because I've let other things take precedence in my life, or because I'm just not on the right path yet, there's no peace, and I can't see God.

But I'm not sitting still. I'm still reaching for Him. I can't rest until I rest in Him. And while He's far away, I won't stop 'til I find His arms again. But maybe I shouldn't be trying to find Him. Maybe I should just let Him come to me. But He's already here. So why do I search? Why am I not peaceful?

My brain hurts.

All I know, is that where I am right now in my life, doesn't feel right. Things aren't meshing together. I spend more days uneasy, distant, crying, than happy and full of life. It shouldn't be that way.

I'll figure it out eventually....

I want that tattoo... La Vita è Bella. Those words saved me for a long time.  No matter how restless I get in this life, no matter how drowned in darkness I can get at one time, that realization that life is beautiful, pulls me through every time. I'm gonna get it as a tattoo.

I love music. I take it for granted too often. I watched a movie last night, and in one scene, the main character heard music for the first time in his life, and he broke down and cried. I feel like that when I hear particular pieces that touch my soul. Like the theme song from the movie The Grey. It makes me want to cry, yet at the same time it touches me so deep no tears will come. What a paradox. I love it. The idea that a combination of mere sounds can impact us like that. Music is awesome.

My mind is going at a million miles per hour, probably because I'm drinking a monster and trying to sit still at the same time. I'm exhausted at the thought of trying to put everything in my brain into words, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Goodnight, world!

The Tomb

   At my college, there's an area set apart from the whole campus where we have a perpetual Adoration chapel, a shrine devoted to the Infant Jesus, a shrine for Our Blessed Mother, a beautiful path to pray the Stations of the Cross, and a shrine that contains the Tomb of the Unborn. I make it a point to escape to this peaceful sanctuary often, to relax in God's love and reflect and pray. I have been particularly drawn to the Tomb of the Unborn. I frequently visit the tomb, where I sit on the cold ground, surrounded by a forest of trees with golden leaves, and I rest. I pray for the souls that never got a chance to simply be. I reflect on what it would be like if I never got to see the colors of Autumn, or visit My Lord in Eucharistic Adoration. Visiting that shrine renews my appreciation and realization that life is sacred and beautiful.
   I wrote this reflection from the point of view of a girl who's older brother was aborted before she ever got to know him:

To The Brother I Never Knew:

Light. Sunrise. Dew. Arise.
Feeling the wind on your back and the warmth of the sun on your face.
Smelling the smell of early morning coupled with the fresh, awakening scent of dew.
Holding a steaming, warm mug of coffee in your hands, as you are enveloped by a soft, fuzzy blanket.
Hearing the birds chirp away and the rustling of crisp leaves on the cold ground, covered in an autumn blanket.
Seeing the colors of fall all around you, surrounded by the most beautiful shades of gold and red.
Feeling the stiff, worn, wood swing creaking underneath you as you rock back and forth.
Taking a deep breath of refreshing, crisp air, slowly exhaling, and feeling your entire being relax into the forest around you.
Thinking about God's beauty and goodness, simply being one with nature and nature's Lord.
Being wrapped in the loving arms of the One who created you, knowing He loves you and treasures you.
Smiling because, despite the struggles of living day to day, life is beautiful, God is beautiful, and He created you, beautiful.
Yes, life is beautiful. Life is beautiful and good, and brother, I wish you got to experience this.

Simplicity

We live in the 21st century... the age of technology, fast cars, loud music, smartphones, and every device you could possibly imagine to make things a little more convenient. Noise and distractions everywhere you turn. And it seems like everyone's eating it up so eagerly. It makes me sad. But I fall into the snare of technology, too. I don't go anywhere without my phone, I'm almost always listening to music, and if I didn't have a car and had to walk everywhere, I'd probably get really fat because I just wouldn't go anywhere....Just kidding. Kindof. :) But in all seriousness, occasionally when I ponder why my heart feels so restless, I come to the realization that it's mostly because I just spend way too much time on my phone or facebook, or listening to the radio, or driving every which-way and being fed distractions from the moment I wake up to the moment I close my eyes for the night... and at the end of the day when I'm lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, there's God in my head, simply asking why I didn't make time for Him...

The point is, now more than ever in my life, I can see clearly that the devil loves to work through the technology of today to capture our attention-spans that seem to be growing ever shorter. In the 21st century, cell phones, facebook, internet and TV are the golden calves that people are worshipping....

I think about things like this when I get a healthy dose of God's beauty in nature. Anything from a walk in the metroparks to seeing pictures I took of Myrtle Beach at sunrise set my mind reeling and tonight, I decided to turn it into this blog post.

 Yeah, It would be too easy to put ALL the blame on the idols and gods we've made for ourselves in this day and age. It would be effortless to say that "the devil made me do it"... but it takes two to tango. For every temptation to be distracted by something, you DO have a choice: will you let your phone take you away from a moment where you could be praising God by praying, or singing, or simply thinking about Him, or will you stop and say, "God, have mercy. This is for You. This is for me. This is for us."?

 There's a quote that goes something like this: "Every moment spent unhappy is a moment wasted, one that you will never get back..." That quote relates perfectly. Every moment you spend in a day consumed by the world....is a moment wasted. We are not of this world. I personally DO NOT want to be part of this world. I don't belong here. But I'm human, just like we all are. I am weak. And I fall to all the distractions of the world that we all do. When I'm lying in bed at night, realizing that I wasted every moment of the day because my attention was held by things so foolish, instead of my attention, my heart and my soul being captured by my Beloved.......I almost feel sick to my stomach. But the amazing thing about God is that He loves me the exact same those times as when I'm in Adoration pouring my everything out to Him. He still loves me. And that's enough to end every night on a good note and to resolve to make the next day better. Even 5 minutes spent enveloped in My Jesus' arms at night is enough to get me through the next day.

God's good like that. But even still, sometimes I wish I didn't have my phone, or internet access, or a facebook, or even a car, just so that the lure of every technological distraction would be drastically reduced and I could focus on God more... 

Sometimes I wish I was like Pocahontas and lived in the forest, or a hermit who lived on a mountain, or a cloistered nun who lives every day as the Bride of Christ, or even a beach-dweller who spent nearly all her life carefree and barefoot with windswept hair. When I'm surrounded by God's artwork, also known as nature, I long for simplicity. I ponder what it would've been like to live in a time when nature and my loved ones was all that was around me. And I wish for it. 

Yes, I do realize that if I lived like Pocahontas I'd probably be a human dart board for killer mosquitos and eventually eaten by a bear. And if I was a hermit, yeah I'd probably get pneumonia and die a slow, painful death because there was no cure for it...

Every age has its problems. All things considered, we have it easy living in the world today. And even though sometimes I swear I should've been born in a different century, I know that God gave me this life for a reason- the most perfect reason there could be. I trust Him in that. So although I can't have the life of a farm girl in the breath-taking Swiss Alps, without the pain of technology and such, God has given me the chance to experience His beauty and His simplicity......... 

.....All I have to do is turn my phone off, get down on my knees in front of a Crucifix, and rest in Him for awhile...... 

Simplicity.

I Am Here

Tonight, God ever so simply reminded me that He is here....

I had a rough night at work. There was a long line of hungry, impatient customers, I was feeling tired and sluggish from the heat, so I wasn't moving as quickly, and then their unhappy faces and remarks made me unhappy and it all kept piling on. Gradually, it all became too much for me to handle, and I got very stressed out. Then I had to hold back tears. Then I had to force myself to keep going instead of leaving the rest of my team to run the line by themselves and escaping to the bathroom to cry.

In weak moments, sometimes I forget to remember that God is there to pull me through. And sometimes I know He's there, but I doubt that He'll help me because He feels so far away. As I was struggling to hold on, I suddenly had the urge to pray: "God help me." 

...No, there was no flash of light and wave of peace and happiness. The line of people kept growing longer, I was still stressed as ever and the tears were about to start rolling faster than I was rolling burritos....

But then my manager saw me, saw that I was struggling, and told me to take a break. She pulled me into the office and gave me the chance to breathe, to cry if I wanted, to talk about anything that was on my mind, and she reassured me that I was doing a good job. I calmed down, we talked, and I was struck by the kindness she and the rest of my team showed to me in my moment of weakness. My co-workers that I've barely known for 3 weeks took the time to build me back up. They thought I was worth it. They needed my smile back.

I got a bit of food and sat down, pulled out my phone and opened the text from my best friend in response to the angry text I sent him earlier about my work day. He told me that he just spent the last hour at Adoration praying for me....

Boom. There was my blinking, neon sign from God saying "HELLO! I'M HERE!". He loved me so much, that He sent my best friend in the whole world to pray for me for an hour, not even knowing that I was having the work day from hell. If that wasn't enough to get me back on my feet, my friend continued to build me back up with his love and reminders that he and God believe in me, and I can do it. Such a simple example of the pure love that Christ has for each of us... I'm amazed. 

It's been an hour or so since I got off work, and thanks to my other half and the Big Man upstairs, I'm ending tonight on a fantastic note.

God bless, and good night :)

 

La Vita è Bella

Life is beautiful.


That's my motto, my mantra, the phrase I live by.
Every so often, I like to take some time to see my life, the beautiful mess that it is, as a whole. It's a great way to really see God's amazing work in action. Sometimes it's easy to get wrapped up in the drama of living in the 21st century, and you'll easily find yourself discontent with the way your life is.
Lately, I'm finding that my life is kinda like a heart-wrenching movie from the outside. By heart-wrenching, I do NOT mean romantic and gushy. Being a teenage girl, I've always wished my life would be like a romantic movie, with the man of my dreams sweeping me off my feet and showing his love for me in the sweetest ways and getting married in Italy and having a bunch of kids that looked just like him, and us living happily ever after. (I KNOW I'll have a happy ending someday, because I trust God's plans for me) But it seems lately that I'm stuck in one of those movies where your heart just hurts to watch because, though good and happy things happen to the main character, and the main character herself is a happy person, there's something vitally lacking, some missing piece that is needed for the puzzle to be complete. It's as though I'm stuck in a movie where all the parts that are needed to make it a happy ending haven't come together yet. But that's life in a nutshell, right?


And life is beautiful when you CHOOSE to be happy though all the pieces haven't come together yet. 

What a beautiful mess my life is. How blessed I am in more ways than I can count. Besides the fact that I am currently relaxing in a queen-sized bed in an air-conditioned hotel room at Myrtle Beach, after a peaceful day on the beach, with a full stomach, fresh, purified water to drink, a place to call home, a cell phone to keep in touch with friends and family, etc. (the list could go on...), I am blessed simply because I have a God Who loves me. Sure, I could count everything that has gone wrong in my life, and that list could go on as well, but by taking a step back and seeing my life as a whole, it's so apparent that everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason. God has used everything that has happened to me (bad or good), directly or indirectly, turned it into grace, and opportunity, and I am where I am right now because of that. THAT is beautiful. And He does that to everyone, whether they realize that or not. Life is so beautiful! God is so beautiful! I just love to see Him work.


Perspective is everything. I, like everyone, at times get caught up in everything that goes wrong in life, and I catch myself sometimes wishing things were different, or easier. But my life, the heart-wrenching drama that it is, is beautiful, and I wouldn't change it, or the people in it, for the world.


Don't ever forget that life is beautiful <3