As I'm sitting here on my lunch break, I get a notification on my phone saying, "You have memories with (so and so) to look back on today". I love looking at posts I've made or that other's have put on my wall on this day however many years ago. I'm a very nostalgic person, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like I dwell on the past a bit too much.
I realized, though, while scrolling through memories and recalling the events in my life from those times so long ago, how completely different I am today. Seeing what I was passionate about 4 or 5 years ago compared to now, seeing what I posted about (God mostly), what I talked about with my friends, how I spent my time (Mass, Adoration, retreats), and generally put, who I was then compared to now, is VASTLY different, and not in a good way. I know I'm usually very hard on myself but I think I'm being fair to say that I am a fraction of the person I used to be. Some of that is growing up, having responsibilities and commitments and jobs that take up nearly all of your time, but there's no excuse for the rest of it.
Somewhere along the line I lost myself... And I'm pretty sure anyone who knew/knows me has noticed. I think a lot of different things contributed, but now I see that SIN crept in and made a home in my heart.
I slowly became an asshole. Things I used to feel so deeply for I became numb to, people I used to be inseparable with I got sick of and deleted out of my life. I became insensitive, apathetic, and full of anger and resentment. Prior to this I used to be very involved with my youth group, with retreats, I went to adoration a few times a week and hit up daily Mass frequently. I used to be known as the girl who loved EVERYONE. It used to be impossible for me to hold a grudge on anyone. It used to be incomprehensible to me that anyone could judge another person.
This parasitic mentality that sin brought me ate its way into my faith life, and I started to resent many things and many people. I eventually quit going to Mass- why be there when all I can think about is how stupid everything and everyone is? Why receive the sacraments if I'm going to commit the same sins day in and day out? Why be in a room full of fake people pretending to worship while chewing their gum and thinking about what they're going to do after this miserable hour is up. I couldn't stand it and I ran from everything. Everyone noticed. Some people unfriended me from social media, some people confronted me and asked why I'm being such a d-bag, some people just acted like I don't exist. I didn't care, after all I was blocking them out too. I ignored the fact that I drove away good people who used to be inspired by me.
Today I realized that what I really did is run from God. Truthfully, I sprinted, and I haven't stopped. Periodically, God would knock on the door of my heart and remind me that He is there, that He hasn't left, and is wondering when I'll open the door back up. I know full well He isn't giving up. God never stops pursuing us. Periodically I will care again. I will wake up one day and absolutely hate who I've become so much that all I want to do is run back into the arms of Jesus. But I've locked the door and hidden the key and I have to figure out where I've put it. I've buried the key under years of sin, selfishness, anger, resentment, judgment, jealousy, self-loathing, impurity and God knows what else. I have to sift through all that filth to find this key. Even thinking of what all I have to do is daunting. It's easier to crawl back into my hole, which truthfully is what I usually do.
It's easier to give up than it is to fight for virtue. God knows this too but He's God and He doesn't give up either. To be honest, readers, I am very lost. It's hard for me to admit that to all of you but there it is. I've made so, so many mistakes that have compromised my morals, my heart and my soul. I make half-assed attempts to come back to God but I don't do what it takes, I don't make the sacrifices necessary for it to sink in, and I know I don't try hard enough.
I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm done with not caring. God loves me way too much for me to not care and to float through life, day in and day out. I'm done with driving away good people because of my insensitivity. I'm done with judging church-goers. I'm done with ignoring God...
I know I can't reverse all of this in one day. But I know God is not going to stop pursuing me... and that gives me hope. I won't give up anymore. Life is too beautiful and too important for me to lose myself and forget my purpose.
I want to apologize to anyone reading this who has been hurt by anything I've done or said (or not done or said). Please know that I will try harder than ever before to be better for you. I want to inspire you to be the best you can be. I want to lead you to Christ and to a deeper purpose for this life. I want you to come to Heaven with me. I want my posts on social media to challenge you and encourage you to do everything you can to make this world a better place. I want to cherish your heart and act like it, because whether or not you and I are very close, I want to make a positive impact in your life. I want to love you better and be everything I can be for you. You are important to me, your soul is priceless, and I'm done with not caring about it.
Please pray for me, and know that I am praying for you.
God bless you. I hope you have a beautiful day <3
