I'd like to confidently say that I know where my life is going.
I'd like to sit here and tell you that I know what I'm doing with my life.
But I don't.
I've never been in total control of my life. Even now, as an "emancipated adult" with the right to vote or to buy a lottery ticket or a pack of cigs or move out of the country if I wanted, I'm realizing more and more that I'm really not free, in control and able to do whatever I want. My choices have consequences, and the part of me that longs to be spontaneous, free, and wild, unfortunately must be kept in the back of my mind.
I wanted college to work out. I wanted to go to an amazing, expensive, Catholic college and be a nurse for the United States Army, immersing myself in God's love, learning more and more about Him while pushing myself beyond my limits physically and mentally to better myself and the world. I wanted that to happen. And you better believe I tried to make that happen. Four months later, I'm sitting here at home... thousands of dollars in debt from one single semester, no more college or Army nursing, and no more Franciscan. I went there with my whole future ahead of me, thinking I could do whatever I wanted, and anything was in my grasp. Classes got the best of me, I made some poor choices, I fell away from God even though He was more present than He's ever been before, I let myself be taken advantage of... and I lost part of what makes me...me.
I left school for many reasons. Part of the reason I left, was that I needed to find myself again, and maybe paying $30,000 a year wasn't the best way to do that. So what am I gonna do now? I'm gonna do what has been on my mind since I was a little girl: U.S. Army
I learned a lot of things at Franciscan. In the ROTC program, I learned that I can do more than I ever thought possible. It hurt like hell to push myself so hard, but to feel that fire in my soul, to feel my muscles ache as I push myself closer to my goals, felt good. And it made me a better person.
I'm not gonna say I'm not scared. I'm not gonna say I don't doubt myself. I'm not gonna say I'm confident that Basic Training won't be that bad. And I'm not gonna say that the aspect of deployment doesn't make my stomach twist.
But there's something that underlies all of this. There's a passion in me for this. To me, this parallels Christ's struggles. I'm not doing this just for me. I'm doing this to make something of the life God gave me, to bring glory to His name, to serve this beautiful country in which God put me, to make my family proud, and to be a witness. Yes. I'm scared, just as Jesus was in the garden, knowing what lies before me: a long road of pain and exhaustion and heartache. Yeah, the thought of going through a gas chamber or carrying a 50lb ruck sack on my back for 8 or 10 miles in the heat makes my nerves freak out just a little... but if I can push myself to exhaustion to save someone someday, IT'S WORTH IT. And I'd do it any day.
Basically, life is what you make it. And there are a lot of roads that lead to our Destination. Franciscan didn't end up being the right turn for me right now in life, but everything happens for a reason. I met the amazing people I did for a reason, to bring something into their lives, and for them to bring something into mine. I'm thankful. I made some great friendships, learned a whole lot about myself, and ended up touching a few lives too. :)
At the end of the day, I live for God. No matter how many times I fall, He picks me up. And I'm gonna return the favor by making something of my life.
